The Fight Between Who You Are and Who You Want to Be

"Why Do I Keep Doing Things I Know Are Hurting Me?"

You've promised yourself a hundred times that you'll quit, change, calm down, or do better. Then somehow, a few days later, you're right back where you started. Sound familiar? You're not weak, and you're not broken. You're experiencing an internal battle.

It can feel like a part of you wants to change but another part resists. This is often because of cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance is the uncomfortable feeling that comes from living against your own values.

Someone might think:

“I want to be a good example for my kids, but I keep using.”

“I want to stay out of trouble, but I keep going back to the same people.”

“I want to be calm, but I keep reacting with anger.”

“I want freedom, but I keep making choices that could take it away.”

The mind does not like that conflict. So, the person may try to reduce the discomfort by justifying the behaviour, blaming others, minimising the harm, or telling themselves they cannot change.

Cognitive dissonance happens when a person holds two conflicting beliefs, values, or behaviours at the same time. For example, someone might believe, “I want to be a better person,” but still behave in ways that hurt themselves or others. That creates mental discomfort. One part of them wants to move forward, while another part is still attached to old habits, old environments, old coping strategies, or an old identity.

The resistance does not always mean they do not want change. Sometimes it means change is forcing them to confront the gap between who they are, who they have been, and who they want to become.

“I know this isn’t who I want to be, but I keep doing it anyway.”

That is cognitive dissonance in action.

The person’s values and actions are not matching. They may know they want to improve their life, but their behaviour is still being driven by addiction, anger, fear, trauma, habit, peer pressure, or survival mode.

This creates discomfort because the person can see the contradiction. To reduce that discomfort, they may either change their behaviour or change the way they think about the behaviour. For example, instead of saying, “I need to stop,” they might say, “It’s not that bad,” or “I had no choice.” That makes the conflict feel smaller in the moment, but it can also keep the cycle going.

“I’m not as bad as other people.”

Justification is one of the main ways people reduce cognitive dissonance. If someone knows their behaviour is harmful, that truth can be painful to sit with. Justifying the behaviour helps them avoid the full emotional weight of it.

They might say:

“I only did it because they pushed me.”

“Everyone does it.”

“I’ve already messed up, so what’s the point?”

“I’m only hurting myself.”

These thoughts reduce guilt or discomfort in the short term. But they also make it easier to keep doing the same thing. Justification protects the person from pain, but it can also protect the behaviour from being challenged.

“I’ll never change.”

Cognitive dissonance can be mentally exhausting. When someone keeps acting against their own values, they may start to feel anxious, ashamed, frustrated, angry, depressed, or hopeless.

They may feel like they are living as two different people. One version wants change. The other version keeps repeating the same patterns. That conflict can lead to self-hatred if the person does not understand what is happening. They may think, “I’m fake,” “I’m weak,” or “I’ll never change.” But cognitive dissonance can also be a sign that their values are still there. The discomfort exists because part of them knows they want something different.

If you feel stuck between two versions of yourself, what’s the first step forward?

The first step is honest awareness. Say the truth clearly: “My actions are not matching who I want to be.” Do not use that truth to destroy yourself. Use it to guide your next choice.

Then ask:

“What is one thing I can do today that lines up with the person I want to become?”

That one thing might be small, but it matters. Cognitive dissonance reduces when actions and values start moving closer together. You do not have to become a completely different person overnight. You just have to stop letting the old version of you make every decision.

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If this article spoke to you, maybe it's because part of you already knows you're ready for something different. Keep showing up. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Change doesn't happen all at once—it happens one decision at a time.

Whether you're taking your first step or trying again after a setback, we're here to walk alongside you. Reach out to CHG today. Start a conversation. Ask for support. Our support workers bring more than professional knowledge—they bring lived experience. Many have walked their own journeys through trauma, addiction, mental health challenges, and adversity. They understand what it's like to struggle, to start over, and to rebuild.

info@completehealthgeelong.com.au

Next time: Why Your Past Keeps Pulling You Back